I am a mindfulness meditation teacher, registered yoga teacher, & Certified Public Accountant.
I created this space as a safe place to share mindfulness meditation tools to better manage stress and anxiety I’ve learned along the way.
My Childhood
I was filled with anxiety and didn’t even know it. I remember always struggling to find sleep and then getting frustrated that I wasn’t going to get my full 8hrs of sleep. I literally would have temper tantrums about this. Other times, I’d constantly worry about being good enough and had difficulty letting go of situations that I couldn’t control. However, sometimes I’d be on the exact opposite spectrum and would block things that were too stressful or overwhelming from my memory.
I’ve always been a Type A person who needed to be in control.
There was tremendous pressure to be smart and of course an overachiever. Not only was this expected, but it was assumed that it came natural. A common stereotype for Asians. My parents were actually white though and even though they weren’t as strict as the stereotypical Asian parents, I still felt the pressure to be and do something important and successful with my life….Whatever successful meant?
On top of all of this, when I was younger I ended up going to over 15 different schools from elementary to junior high. I like to think it helped train me to easily adapt to any situation.
Unfortunately, life happens.
We went from living in a beautiful 3 bedroom home with an inground pool to living in a tiny camper in family friend’s yard.
This ultimately shaped my values of what I wanted for my life.
I never wanted to be in that type of situation again. Therefore, there was a strong emphasis of getting into College and securing a well paying job after college. This meant not trying to figure out my passions and try that but instead what was the most secure career.
Little did I know, this path would take me on such a tumultuous and emotional journey with my anxiety and mental health.
Graduating from College…
I of course had a career lined up as an Auditor at KPMG. A financial secure position at what most people consider a well known and prestigious company. This is what I thought was the dream life, but it turned quickly into what seemed like a never-ending nightmare.
Some may say I’ve always been a goody two shoes and never liked getting in trouble. This was pretty much true.
Therefore, I did what I knew best. Be humble and grateful and don’t get in trouble. My internship experience had been exciting and everything I hoped. I was even able to transfer to the city I had requested for a full time position upon graduation. I met some great people and who I’m still friends with today.
All was going good until…
I had received super positive project reviews…until I got place on a poorly managed project where I ended up being reprimanded and humiliated so badly by leadership.
This is the start of where my journey with high functioning anxiety really showed itself.
I had many sleepless nights and would often cry myself to sleep and wake up with a pit in my stomach dreading the day. This project had been so bad sometimes I had even wished I could get in an accident on the way to the client site to avoid going to work that day.
I eventually made it through. I had purchased a Happy Light for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and was making sure I was eating a healthy diet. I had even practiced some mindfulness back then, but I honestly don’t even remember what I did. I only know this because I found a journal with a daily habit tracker of which mindfulness was one of the categories.
I ended up leaving that job and thought I hit the gold mine with my new job.
It was a fresh start in a new place and new field. I was learning new things and felt appreciated and valued.
But there was always this looming fear in the back of my head and the pit of my stomach that I was going to get caught. That I didn’t belong. That I was going to get fired and everything I was doing was a lie or sham. I overworked myself in order to feel adequate.
This was my anxiety showing up as I was frequently appreciated and praised by this new company.
But because of that traumatic experience at my old job, my self esteem was WRECKED. This is still something I continue to work on healing regularly.
I was getting burnt out. I was working later hours than my partner and that was difficult. If I took breaks during the day to walk my dog, I felt obligated to work longer and later in the evenings. I never felt like I was good enough.
Especially after I got promoted to manager. Being grateful for a great salary and job during a pandemic was a must, but it was slowly eating away at my joy in life.
It of course didn’t help being in lockdown and not seeing close family and friends. I also ended up losing 4 family members during it and I was lucky to take a full 3 weeks off but it still didn’t feel like enough.
When I was away I felt ok the first week and then just felt mostly guilt for missing so much work. But I knew I wasn’t ready. And I was lucky there wasn’t pressure to go back right away but I couldn’t fully enjoy my time away because I was too stressed about going to work.
I desperately needed to do something different…
I thought I needed ‘Balance,’ so I joined my first ever yoga studio. This is maybe where I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt good when I practiced, but the key word here was “WHEN.”
Oftentimes, I didn’t let my personal yoga practice interfere with work — and if you know anything about client service work — it’s not your typical 9 – 5 type of job. Since I wanted to improve my consistency and interest in the subject I ended up signing up for the Yoga Teacher Training. I also participated in my first ever group therapy program for anxiety!
In the Group Anxiety Program, MY MIND WAS BLOWN AT HOW DIVERSE THE GROUP WAS WHO WERE ALL THERE TRYING TO MANAGE THEIR ANXIETY!
I felt not alone. I also realized anxiety shows up in many stages of one’s life. It’s not just age, location or job focused but can be encompassing all facets of your life.
There was so much overlap between the group therapy class and my yoga teacher training. In my group therapy course, we learned about mindfulness meditation and other cognitive behavior therapy tools. However, I found the mindfulness meditation practices much more effective when taught from the perspective of yoga and meditation. It was less robotic and more authentic. Nonetheless, I loved the CBT tools I had learned and wanted to share my personal meditation practice with others who needed it.
This was the start of a decision for me to do this business and create this safe space for other individuals out there who may be struggling with their anxiety and stress.